Friday, November 16, 2012

Get Real

To be real...Some days I feel that our boy will never come home.  

There, I said it!  I know, how dare I say that!?  How dare I doubt God!?  That is not the “Christian” thing to say.  That is not the Christian thing to do.  Especially for a “minister.”  “As Christians, we are to not doubt our God.”(said in my dorky sarcastic voice, for those of you who know that voice, yeah that one)  But, HA, yeah right!   Lets get real.   We have ALL doubted God.  We have all wondered if He is indeed “faithful.”  We have all doubted if He will indeed do what His Word says He will do.

Maybe I stand alone.  I doubt it.  If I do, so be it. Because if I long to be one thing, I long to be, REAL.  And “REAL talk” is, today is a day that I struggle with doubt.  

This whole journey, at times, seems to be some kind of chase.  A dream.  A longing for something that is only a figment of our imagination. 
I know this feeling of doubt is a lie.  I know it is not truth. I know, “God is sovereign.”  I know, “His timing is perfect.”  But, still I feel it.  I doubt.  My son is growing up in another country, APART FROM HIS FAMILY, I DOUBT!!!

It has been a bit over a year now since I held our first born in my arms, for the first time.  17 months to be exact.  17 months since I first held that 9 month old chunk of curly headed beauty.  17 months since I said, “God, HA, coincidence right!?”  

There is a deep, never ending mourning occurring within me.  When I feel joy, sorrow accompanies it.  I know this is not the “Christian” thing to feel.  But again, being real, I feel it. And, being real, it feels good to say it on a blog.  For whatever reason...

A struggling Dad who is unable to fulfill his role as Dad, asks for your prayers today. 

Written vulnerably.  And, still a Christian. 

Be real today.   


  1. Gotta keep it real. I love this post. All we need to do is pray!!
    You are so strong in your faith & I love your TRUTH today!

  2. Yes, thank you for your honesty. Faith isn't always easy, but it keeps us going. The great thing about how open you and Heather have been on your journey is that you have a whole community of people that are backing you two with LOADS of faith. And when we are weak, HE is strong. We have seen His hand on your family and will continue to speak out and believe that He will bring Rowen home... safe, sound, and at exactly the right time. I know I haven't yet met you or the babies, but I love your family SO MUCH because of the love I have for your amazing wife! We will continue to pray fervently for you! Hugs, Jamie Lynn Brewer