Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Expecting Pure Joy

I struggle as to where to begin explaining the roller coaster Payton and I have been "riding" the past few weeks. I'll warn you ahead of time, I'm raw and I'm vulnerable. And this post could get quite lengthy.

In the past month, we have experienced great victories. We have seen God, in His power only, move mountains! We've had prayers answered and His plan uncovered. However, on the flip side, recently we have began walking through a season of deep suffering and heart ache that, to put it bluntly, STINKS!.

We anticipated being able to spend today coming up with a creative, fun post for the blog to share the exciting news that two little pink lines revealed to us last Monday. I was a few days late and feeling unusually tired, so Monday afternoon we started taking pregnancy tests. Over the course of the week, we were 5 for 5 in positive pregnancy test.....yes five. Test one, two, three, and four didn't sink in. Once we were convinced, we immediately scheduled a doctor's appointment, began pondering creative ways to reveal the news, and I of course, had the nursery designed, diaper bags picked out, predicted/claimed it was a baby boy, had him named, and the list goes on.

However, after several episodes of bleeding more than usual over the weekend, a negative pregnancy test Sunday morning, and a doctors appointment yesterday afternoon; the news we dreaded was confirmed.......we have lost our baby. We are grieving and mourning; yet doing our best to consider it pure joy as we encounter this trial and season of suffering. It is, by far, the toughest thing I've ever walked through. And I only share with you, to point to Him!

I find pure joy in the peace and comfort of my Heavenly Father that has covered me through my wonderful husband. I can not find the words to explain how amazing he is and has been these past few days. He has been my blanket of peace and comfort. And more than ever I am overly grateful and completely humbled to have him at my side for "better or for worse". He is truly my angel.

I find pure joy in knowing that my body can naturally conceive.

I find pure joy in family that has surrounded us with tears, constant encouragement, gifts, and prayers.

I find pure joy in friends that are grieving and mourning with us.

I find pure joy in the body of Christ bathing us in prayer.

I find pure joy in the hope of eternity and knowing I will hold my baby one day!

All in all, I find pure joy in the faithfulness of Christ......because He is good, ALL THE TIME!

As much I would have loved more than anything to have been able to hold and rock our precious baby, I rejoice in knowing that God's plan for us and our family exceeds my imagination. All six weeks of that little "sesame seed" has changed our marriage, our ministry, and our lives forever. That baby has stretched and matured our faith, grew us closer together, and put us face down at the feet of Jesus. For that, I am eternally thankful and in that I also FIND PURE JOY!

We thank all of you from the depths of our hearts for your genuine prayers, unwavering support through visits, phone calls, and text messages. We thank you for your unconditional love and tears shed on our behalf. Words can not accurately express how much we appreciate and love you!

Please keep praying for us.

**And just for the record, no we had no idea we were pregnant in the picture above. At the time we considered it an "awkward" picture and joked about the fact that it looked like we were "expecting". Turns out we were! I now consider the picture a blessing and "gift" from God. We will always have it to honor and remember our little "sesame seeds" life!

Whatever you are facing in life today, as a believer, be reminded of James 1:2-4!

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

He has a plan and He is in control even when it feels like He is not.



  1. Sweet Heather. I will be lifting you guys up. Love to you!

  2. Sweet Heather....thank you for sharing your trials and trusting in the Lord. You've definitely encouraged me to remember to find joy in suffering. Praying for you during this time!

    Whitney Brown