Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Insomia

.....sometimes this old guy has the ability to save you a whole lot of time and a whole lot of money, especially when it comes to a medical diagnosis. I say that somewhat sarcastically, because Ive had everything from Leukemia (not really JUST according to Google) to Insomnia. I would never classify myself as a dramatic person until I sense or feel any physical ache or pain in my body. And since I try to avoid doctor offices and usually any kind of medication, even NyQuil and Benadryl; I'll jump on google in a second to diagnose my symptoms. This week, Dr. Google diagnosed me with Insomnia. While I do believe this could be true, I believe there is something a little more personal for the symptoms of my lack of sleep at night.
After my Sunday night episode of struggling for 4-5 hours to fall asleep and considering the unusual, outstanding amount of selfishness and control Ive been battling lately; I decided to spend more time in prayer (Duh, Heather!) than on google to find a cure for all my issues. I begin praying, which usually always results in tears; and began asking God to bring me back to a point of weakness, so that He could be my strength. And as I'm praying this, I felt as if He was saying something along these lines.....
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Heather, the reason I haven't been able to show Myself strong through you is because you've been all about Heather. I ask you to be weak, which includes humility, selflessness, trust, etc. so that I can be your strength and control every part of you and everything I bring into your life. Since you haven't gotten out of the way to let me be strong in you and through you, I haven't be able to have total control over every aspect of your life.....you've been working overtime at trying to control every aspect of your day to day routine. Which is the reason you haven't been sleeping at night. You lie awake thinking, worrying, and rethinking about your day and your responsibilities instead of letting them go at the end of the day trusting that I hold you and everything else in the palm of my hand. Ive arranged your life to be control by Me, not you.
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Wow! He was so right, as He always is. And after crying, repenting, and crying some more; I felt a huge burden lifted off my shoulder. Even though denying the flesh of pride, selfishness, control, and so much more can be very hard; its worth it! I want God to be Lord over my life, which is how its designed to be. Because when Hes not, everything else is out of wack. And since my big spankin' from the Father, my sleeping habits look a little more like this........

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